Iris.

I've heard that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away..

P.S. It's true. :)

He said, " life, she won't be denied."

I will NEVER forget the five-year-old who said to me, "I talked to Jesus and he was nice. He told me it wasn't my time to die."

Her name was Lauren. She had been in the hospital, and out of school for a while, and then she came back. I was a senior in high school, and I had an ROP class that involves working with kids. I had to help her get caught up on some work, and she asked me if I wanted to know something special.

Interesting.

The past cannot be redeemed. What has been and what might have beend both bring us to what is.To know grief, we must be in the river of time, because grief thrives in the present and promises to be with us in the future until the end point. Only time conquers time and its burdens. There is no grief before or after time, which is all the consolation we need.

Nevertheless, I stood there, waiting, full of hope that was the wrong hope.

- Odd Thomas.

No Matter What..

You always miss a best friend.

Rocky mind.

Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when taking a walk, either while skipping rocks on a beach, for example, or looking for a way to shatter the glass doors of a museum. When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk. As you think about more and more things, you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened you cannot take any further steps. So you just sit and stare at the rough movements of the ocean waves, or security guards, thinking too hard about too many things to do anything else.

A thought.

-Olivia.

Autophobia

Fear of being alone.

Fear of being egotistical.

Fear of oneself.

The third is the rarest of these conditions.

Prayer.

Libera nos a malo.

Lumin De Lumine.

Per omnia saecula saeculorum.

It's Latin.

She's got big hands, but the mind of a little girl.

I've realized some things about myself recently. I've been through so much in my life. I've been abused, and forced to grow up when I was a little girl. I never knew what it was to just be a kid, and that's it. I had so many other things to worry about, things no child should ever have to worry about. I'm grown up in many ways, but in others, I'm still a little girl. Sex. Sex is a problem sometimes. and I know what you're thinking. "Why the hell is she about to talk about her sex life on the internet? What the fuck is wrong with her?" I'll tell you why. Most women who have been abused don't know that sex can be a good thing. They feel scared every single time they're about to go through with it, so they go back to feeling like that little girl again, powerless, weak. If you associate sex with love, in a good way, not in the way that the perverted sick sonofabitches use it, it can be beautiful. I'm learning that now. You may think I'm stupid for posting this, but that's the way you feel, not me. :) Every time I tell someone close to me about what I have been through when I was a kid, I feel like I'm shrinking back to that little girl again. The feelings I had at that point in time come back, and I get scared. I'm afraid of people. Afraid of what they're capable of. They scare me because they have that ability to be inhumane to another person. Parents. Ohhhh boy. My parents. My step-parents. Hah! Most kids will blame they're parents for all of their problems, because they need someone to blame their shit on because they don't want to point their finger at themselves. I have very good reasons for blaming all of them for the way I am. First off, to my mother, who didn't protect me like all mothers should protect their children. Second, my step-dad for doing what he did. Third, my step-mom and my dad. I blame you for the yelling. I'm afraid of people when they get too loud, or yell. I want to cry every time I hear yelling. I don't care if you are reading this, mother. You were supposed to protect me. You didn't. Simple as that. That's why I don't go out of my way to talk to you. I don't care if you don't believe me, just like last time when I told you, because you're afraid that noone is going to love you if you leave him. I don't give a shit what you do with your life, but I'd like it if you stayed out of mine until I'm ready to give you respect.

You wreck a kid's life, I have no respect for you.

Memento Mori.

You can quote me.

- Olivia.

My Unborn angel.

Dear Sydney,

I have no idea what to say, except for I'm sorry. Sorry that my body wasn't strong enough for the both of us, sorry that you didn't have the chance to come into this world. I only had you for a short period of time, and in that time, I grew so attached to you. I knew you were mine. Mine, and no one else could take you from me. I loved you from the moment I knew you were in my belly, and that was it. I've never felt that kind of love before, and when you left, you took a piece of me with you. I don't know how I can say that I miss you, but I do. You were a part of me, and God took you back. I hate him for taking you away from us like that sometimes, but it was for the best, I'm sure. I had two dreams about you. One when you were still growing inside me, and another when you were gone. You are the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.You had beautiful green eyes, just like Daddy has. You look so much like him. He misses you too, you know. It hurts us both to not have you in our lives, beautiful baby. Daddy and I love you so much, Sydney Marie Souza. As Daddy promised, we will see you someday.

Love,

Mommy

Both Sides the Same.

So this is my first blog, ever..So I guess I'll start with this.

Some people say that the hardest thing to open is a closed mind. Well, how do you close an open mind? I find that equally hard. People are lazy. They don't want to sit for hours on end trying to open something that will forever be closed, and they don't want to try and shut something that is obviously never going to be sealed shut. Hmm. So, why not just make it easy, and shut the doors to an open mind, and break the windows open to a closed mind? Easy? Hah. Not in the slightest.
Just a thought.

- Olivia.